Exceeding Expectations

My Tumblr blog used to be titled Expectations Beyond Reality  which I really thought encompassed how I viewed, essentially, everything in my life. I always aim much higher than I should and I get let down easily. Wait, let me rephrase that. I let myself get let down easily.

I started college today.
And last week I packed up my car and drove away from the bubble I have so comfortably lived in for eighteen years. I bought my last pack of gum from Bambi at Mitchell's, I grabbed an ice cream from Mama Mac's Gas Stop, and my weakness; a blackberry Red Bull from Nomad.

Don't get me wrong, I was so incredibly ready to embark on this new adventure.
However, it wasn't until today when I was walking home from my classes that I was completely overwhelmed with the realization that I was here. Not just in Chico or at college or on my own; but in my dreams. I was standing smack dab in the middle of something I had been picturing my entire life.

I was beyond fortunate to attend a human rights conference in LA where Invisible Children founder,Jason Russel shared a piece of potent advice.

Your life is better than your best dream for it. 

Before coming to college I was terrified of this scary, big, different change that was being thrust upon me. I was also crazy excited. The best part, it IS better than I imagined; because not only am I living this exciting adventure where I am essentially unsure about, well, everything, I also still have home. I get to take the incredible pieces of my little town in North Idaho like all the serenity I received from  beautiful mountains and lakes to the everlasting love and kindness of the people to the intelligence I gained from my intimate little school and imply them in this part of my life.

It truly is okay to rely on the safety net of home. I have zero shame in  calling my parents 8 times a day, or scrolling through pictures of my beyond perfect Idaho summer or bragging endlessly about the fact I can tell you the names of every bank teller's immediate family.

For once in my life, my reality has completely trumped my expectations.

It's Not You, It's Me.

Ah, the classic line. It's not you, it's me. 

In my case (an age old friendship), it's true. Granted, the person is not entirely clear of fault, but the anger I am emitting is mostly frustration towards the broken record-esque aura of the situation and me not understanding what I can do differently, or simply put, what is wrong with me.

I'm not exactly a boy slayer and never have been able to initiate anything with boys. However, my closest friends seem to have no issue at all with the boys I'm interested in.

Sidenote: this summer has been incredible and enlightening and magical and spontaneous and perfect.

In one night, a night where I was hopeful and selfish, essentially all the confidence I had built this summer crashed to the ground. It twenty minutes I felt rejection, betrayal, and panic completely drown me. It was like a Taylor Swift song; and not the fairytale ones.

I'm taking it out on my best friend because she wasn't there for me in a moment of weakness. It's no secret I hold on to things, even the most terrible. She crumbled to something I'm sure I would have as well; the notion of being wanted.

I'm angry, not exactly because of the boy. I am angry because I'm jealous. I'm angry because it was what I wanted more than anything in the world. Everything she has had this summer, her ease with people, her flawless way of speaking without shrieking (My falsetto is annoying), was what I have wanted and yearned for since I was 11 and read my first Sarah Dessen book.

 I want to be wanted and it not have to be a secret.
I want to not keep losing to the people around me.
I want to be a priority.

I don't want to be the only one sacrificing for loyalty.

It's not you, HDog, it's me. It's this disgusting self-concious thing and this stupid Fireflies curse and this stupid small town, and the fact with a look I can be knocked down a hundred notches. I am mad, yeah, but only at the idea that you are growing up without me and that I am just "the girl with the hot friend".