2013 and all of its glory

2013 was a year of firsts for me, a year of irreplaceable experiences and a year that held the beauties and heartbreaks of change. 

In 2013:

-I walked away from basketball, the love of my life and a sisterhood I never realized existed until we were huddled together in the creepiest, grossest hotel room following the worst exhibit of basketball I have ever seen and crying our eyes out…together.

-I graduated high school--as a valedictorian and stood in front of all my peers I tried so hard to be one with and realized we, had in fact made it as one. 

-I realized sometimes even the best things begin to have flaws as being an idfy camp counselor this year brought misery and feeling like I was a bottom feeder to adults, but ended with the remaining few of us banding together and giving those who brought us down a hypothetical middle finger. 

-I won a championship which, even as an advocate of the "winning isn't everything" motto, felt pretty freaking awesome. 

-I was rushed to the emergency with "distressed lung lining" of overdoing my activities…The next day I hiked to the top of a mountain and jumped off a cliff. #cantstopme

-I got drunk for the first time which resulted in the strangest, most liberating night of my life with my two longest friends. (It also brought the most miserable morning after)

-I found my best friend in a friend and Jacob and I proceeded to burn bridges and have the best summer of our entire lives and will forever be soul mates (sexless soul mates, we run for different teams)

-I packed up all of my things and moved 938 miles away to a city where I didn't know one person. 

-I met the most beautiful, strong, broken, intelligent, sassy, strange girl and she has become my closest, most unique friend and I love her more than I thought it was possible to love someone.

-I met a boy who, despite his tendencies to forget to eat and the glasses that fall right off his face, is beautiful and kind and someone I never realized I needed or would ever be so lucky to have in my life. 

-I decided that "happy New Year" is almost nearly as charming as "happy birthday" and I think it is beautiful we have a day to celebrate our lives and our futures and our pasts, as fucked up or boring as they may be.

Also, screw resolutions. Just do you the best way you can<3

Being Who You (Think) You Have To Be

"College will be a fresh start." 

This can be such a dangerous thing to tell people.

As my first semester at University approaches its close, I can't help looking around at all my new friends and wondering who they really are. 

As I look over myself these past four months, I definitely don't recognize that girl. 

There are definitely aspects to my character that I have improved so well on, aspects I saw as my biggest flaws growing up. 

I can't help missing the girl who favored being alone, the girl who saw solitude not as loneliness, but as a way to delve into beautiful stories of fiction and lay on the floor, lost in a song. 

I miss the girl who lived for a game of basketball.

I miss the girl who favored long term accomplishment over moments of temporary happiness. 

I made a friend in September who I have been crushed out on, who I have wanted to crush, who I both love and hate, who I have seen lights of utter beauty but who has let me down again and again. A friend that can change my day with just a raise of his eyebrows and a stare into my eyes or for the worse with a lack of acknowledgment. 

He is struggling with his character, like the rest of us. He has this idea of who it is he needs to be, feeling as if he needs to leave what he was behind because it wasn't wanted by who he needed it to be most. I see glimpses of this boy sometimes; in a hand movement, in a gaze, as he drifts off to sleep, when he runs to his sisters, I hope he can find this person again someday. 

That person is good enough. 

The real you is good enough. 

Yes, I'm talking to all of you. 

you hear it all the time, but yet again, I will stress there is someone so near to you that wants the real you more than anything in the world. <3

I need to hear...

an apology

an explanation

that you know what you are doing


that you want me

The Struggle

I really wish I was better to myself.

Gave myself more credit

Believed in my potential

Thought I was worth it

Remembered how much support I have

Had faith that someday I will be loved back.

College: The Early Years (like five weeks in)

College is hard and our teachers were not lying.

I really love it though. I think I love it so much because  is challenging the hell out of me and I have always had this obsessive tendency with adversity.

The actual education part of it is totally kicking my ass. Which hopefully means my head is filling with grand knowledge that will prepare me for the life ahead beyond the vine covered buildings and Ramen dinners. Western Civilization (a nine unit course. NINE) is three hours of pure lecture then quizzes on none of the lecture. But, I am starting to do better which is boosting my confidence which is helping with everything else.

Sociology of Sex. Yes, this is college and X-rated material is actually required rather than prohibited. This class is literally blowing my mind and making me realize I'm not as comfortable talking and learning about sex as I thought I was. It does, however make for really rad stories to tell friends.

I am very lucky to have received an internship at the Gender and Sexuality Equity Center for their Women's Program. I have made myself quite at home in their office, answering phones, giving away condoms, and planning our big event Take Back The Night which raises awareness for rape culture. It is very very time consuming though.

Because I chose to live in an off campus apartment, I feared I wouldn't be able to make friends. Though this most definitely wasn't the case (Stay tuned, I will get to those goobs in a bit!), I'm still not 100% sure if I'm happy with my decisions.  I will break it down in my favorite kind of list: the pro and con (obviously behind the "To-Do" list).

Pros:
-My fabulous, amazing, kind, crazy smart, great roommate (seriously, I love her)
-I get to have my maniac of a cat. Which even though he has gotten himself a girlfriend that he meows at allll night, I still love having him to cuddle.
- My very own bathroom
-My very own kitchen
-A washer and dryer
-A washing machine
-My full sized bed
-Easy parking
-Peace and quiet
-Not eating at a dining hall

Cons
- in depth connections with dorm mates
-not having to be checked in to the dorms
-Not having to be locked out of the dorms for 9 days because this town is scary and drunk and too much and you aren't allowed to have visitors around Halloween

So clearly the con list isn't even close to my pro apartment living. I really do get the best of both worlds and the friends I have made are incredible.

Specifically Katie. I can't even explain what Katie has done for me in the last three weeks. She really is one of the kindest souls I have ever met. It is beyond me how I got so lucky to have someone that is so much like me and will sit with me and rub my back when I'm having a complete breakdown and will hang out with me everyday because I love her and never can get sick of her. Like, for real, she is that great.

Other rad humans I have met are, in no order of importance (These are not all, so if you weren't included, my fingers probably froze off because the Whitney Hall study room is unrealistically cold:
Justin: Katie's boyfriend. I'm in love with him. No big deal.
Forrest: Hilarious, sassy, crazy kindhearted, loves tea, plus he will fix my computer.
Aryana: I literally couldn't make it through Western Civ without her. For Real.
Daniel: The most passionate, energetic person I have ever met. He better DJ my wedding or at least play his guitar outside my window.
Mikey: There is no nicer person in this world. Really, seriously, 100% the most positive boy. I love him so much<3
Caleb: Focused, caring, without him I wouldn't have met anyone else. Easily the best RA ever in the world.
Spencer: Beautiful eyes, always says hi, really nice, best impressions EVER.


So, there ya have it. What's been up. The stitch.

Not Getting What You Want

Not getting what you want is hard. That's no secret, not an epic plot twist. When things don't go your way or change course it hurts like hell.

Exceeding Expectations

My Tumblr blog used to be titled Expectations Beyond Reality  which I really thought encompassed how I viewed, essentially, everything in my life. I always aim much higher than I should and I get let down easily. Wait, let me rephrase that. I let myself get let down easily.

I started college today.
And last week I packed up my car and drove away from the bubble I have so comfortably lived in for eighteen years. I bought my last pack of gum from Bambi at Mitchell's, I grabbed an ice cream from Mama Mac's Gas Stop, and my weakness; a blackberry Red Bull from Nomad.

Don't get me wrong, I was so incredibly ready to embark on this new adventure.
However, it wasn't until today when I was walking home from my classes that I was completely overwhelmed with the realization that I was here. Not just in Chico or at college or on my own; but in my dreams. I was standing smack dab in the middle of something I had been picturing my entire life.

I was beyond fortunate to attend a human rights conference in LA where Invisible Children founder,Jason Russel shared a piece of potent advice.

Your life is better than your best dream for it. 

Before coming to college I was terrified of this scary, big, different change that was being thrust upon me. I was also crazy excited. The best part, it IS better than I imagined; because not only am I living this exciting adventure where I am essentially unsure about, well, everything, I also still have home. I get to take the incredible pieces of my little town in North Idaho like all the serenity I received from  beautiful mountains and lakes to the everlasting love and kindness of the people to the intelligence I gained from my intimate little school and imply them in this part of my life.

It truly is okay to rely on the safety net of home. I have zero shame in  calling my parents 8 times a day, or scrolling through pictures of my beyond perfect Idaho summer or bragging endlessly about the fact I can tell you the names of every bank teller's immediate family.

For once in my life, my reality has completely trumped my expectations.

It's Not You, It's Me.

Ah, the classic line. It's not you, it's me. 

In my case (an age old friendship), it's true. Granted, the person is not entirely clear of fault, but the anger I am emitting is mostly frustration towards the broken record-esque aura of the situation and me not understanding what I can do differently, or simply put, what is wrong with me.

I'm not exactly a boy slayer and never have been able to initiate anything with boys. However, my closest friends seem to have no issue at all with the boys I'm interested in.

Sidenote: this summer has been incredible and enlightening and magical and spontaneous and perfect.

In one night, a night where I was hopeful and selfish, essentially all the confidence I had built this summer crashed to the ground. It twenty minutes I felt rejection, betrayal, and panic completely drown me. It was like a Taylor Swift song; and not the fairytale ones.

I'm taking it out on my best friend because she wasn't there for me in a moment of weakness. It's no secret I hold on to things, even the most terrible. She crumbled to something I'm sure I would have as well; the notion of being wanted.

I'm angry, not exactly because of the boy. I am angry because I'm jealous. I'm angry because it was what I wanted more than anything in the world. Everything she has had this summer, her ease with people, her flawless way of speaking without shrieking (My falsetto is annoying), was what I have wanted and yearned for since I was 11 and read my first Sarah Dessen book.

 I want to be wanted and it not have to be a secret.
I want to not keep losing to the people around me.
I want to be a priority.

I don't want to be the only one sacrificing for loyalty.

It's not you, HDog, it's me. It's this disgusting self-concious thing and this stupid Fireflies curse and this stupid small town, and the fact with a look I can be knocked down a hundred notches. I am mad, yeah, but only at the idea that you are growing up without me and that I am just "the girl with the hot friend".

Pleurisy Can't Stop Me

Had my first Emergency Room visit last night.
Like most things, I have discovered it is not nearly as exciting as portrayed in movies and TV shows. Which sucks.
I literally waited for three hours before they even got me in to try and fix me. Two hours after that I was sent home (exhausted) but diagnosed.

Turns out that having a social life has actually been not so great on my health. Because of the overwhelming amount of things this last few weeks, my poor little lungs have become distressed and can't keep up. (I go hard, clearly.)

Graduation and completing high school aside, my last month has included iDFY camp (Please check it out here), a venture to Chico to move into my apartment, Hoopfest (This thing is the coolest ever), and this last week, swimming and playing all day, every day. Since, I can hardly breathe anyway, I understand why my lungs have decided  to rebel against my body, they really shouldn't have to carry the whole ship.

Anyway, besides this little snag, my summer has started and began shaping itself to become one of the best yet. I totally dig that:)

The blog has a new look so hopefully that will inspire me to come back:)


(P.S. I hate Miley's new video. Sorry.)

Standing Up (but I don't want to stand alone) For Myself

I am the absolute worst at standing up for myself.
I can, however, stand up for my friends, family, and passions with no problem at all.

Just like everyone else, I have lost people. Whether I held on too tight, was too honest, said the wrong things, or the wind just blew us apart, friends and I have parted.

I have had this issue with loyalty for quite sometime now. I have this horrible, irrational fear that I will somehow end up alone. When those in my life treat me like crap, I always find ways to justify it and talk myself out of standing up for who I am and what I want for myself. I will appease that person so they will forgive and accept me back into their lives. Even if they're in the wrong.

I am so terrified that I may lose that person, I won't tell them what I am thinking or explain how badly they make me feel because I can't rationalize losing them. What if that's the best my friendships can get? What if by saying what I really want to say--what that person deserves to hear I'm ultimately pushing them away and offending them to a point where they can get away?

It's so wrong, looking at each example in retrospect. If people really are my friends, those who actually care about me, they will stay. They will fight for me as well. They will take what I say and run with it. I never want to be one-sided in a friendship. It's such a terrifying thought.

Of Being Inspired

This was an English assignment that I completed at 2 am last week in a moment of pure...inspiration. 

Nothing can compare to the feeling of being inspired. Nothing can consume you so wholly as being inspired. Nothing overtakes your drive for accomplishment and kicks in fortitude like being inspired. Inspiration may occur in a flash of an instant or in the longest minute of an hour. It’s truly incredible what can become inspiration. From the tallest man sailing the smallest boat, to the littlest girl making the greatest splash in her environment; inspiration occurs.

People will make of inspiration, as they will. They may take it with the slightest grain of salt and cast it away or they may take it and build the grandest castle with the greatest bricks carried upon the most tired backs. Whatever the result may be, the instant in which your heart is filled with an upmost sense of readiness, that is what will be drawn upon and the masterpieces of life will be created.

In the strokes of a tagged railroad cart, behind the lines of a haggard classic, deep beneath the words of a speaker, or within the heart of an athlete lies the true feeling of inspiration. The tugging of the soul that brings you to a moment of realization and the need to do anything in a moment to fill the hunger that the inspiration has spurred within.

Inspiration is merely brought to light by your surroundings. The ability to be inspired and the desire to make a difference is a characteristic that lies smoldering in all of us. Simply with the belief, trust, and inspiration ignited within, the fire can truly be lit and great change and accomplishment will be near in sight and reached following the blazing, and flaming fortitude that was inspired in an instantaneous, intangible moment.  

Endings and Beginnings and Moments and Taking It All In

First of all, I only need 30 songs to have 2,000, so that's real exciting.

Anyway, I like how I went from not posting in two months to posting twice in one day. I am refusing to count earlier's. That was an instance of utter frustration and me trying to sort out and make sense of what I'm thinking. I pretty much failed. I don't know what feelings are. I'm going to leave it, though because I like looking back at the foolish things I say. (Not to disregard three-hour-ago me's feelings, but really, I could have at least articulated better.) I am in the writing mood (about god damned time) and got the Blogger app, so it's probably safe to say, I'll be back.

Basketball ended. It was weird. At the sound of a two second buzzer, 8 years of hard work, disappointment, passion, and purity all ended. Just like when most things end, people examine the aspects. Did I do enough? Did I try hard enough? Did I care enough? I truly believe I did. I gave my heart and soul to that game. I still would put everything on the line for it. I'm grateful I can pursue my life in this sport.

I get to go to Cancun 5 days. Five. It doesn't feel real. It probably won't until I'm sitting by the ocean with my best friend and soaking in the moment of complete bliss. I have decided to just really set aside the ol' homework load during that week. Hakuna Matata, bitches.

I'm fine. I'm solid. I'm good.
I have great friends, unlimited opportunity, and a pretty solid iTunes library, clearly.

Deuces.

What the hell is that noise?

Oh. My mind.
Last night before bed I was so overwhelmed in my own head I thought I was going to pass out.

The feelings range from complete guilt, to anxiety, to the need to get down.
All at once.
How does that even happen.
I need to be at Chico. Like yesterday.
I'm overly exhausted today too which makes pretty much zero sense considering my weekend consisted of laying around and watching TV (yeah, I was that person)

I haven't been writing either. I try, and it sucks so I stop. I have this constant need to be philosophical and inspiring and hipster and athletic and sexy all at once. (Entirely realistic, right?)

I don't think this accomplished anything. Anyone who read this, thanks, you're a trooper.