"New York" State of Mind

There's a song. A chilling, heartbreaking, beautiful song. With the strike of the first chord I can become completely lost in this song. Everything in my head just kind of dissipates and I'm left with tears in my eyes and the lyrics pouring through my mind.

I have only had this song for three years yet when it plays I feel as if I'm getting greeted by an old friend. The distant memories of aching pains, obstacles, dogeared book pages, tea getting too cold fill holes I didn't realize I had within me.

I haven't gotten lost in this song-or any song in a long time. Too long. I haven't gotten lost in much of anything in a long time.

Not a book whose words rip me into pieces

Not a movie that has left me speechless

Not a song which filled my bones and my veins and my heart with hope and tragedy.

I miss that. I starve to lay on my floor, completely overwhelmed with words and stories just pouring out of my body, just listening and pondering and hoping.

A few minutes ago I grabbed my old ipod, a tiny little thing whose keys barely work anymore. I scroll and scroll through the millions of playlists I have created for all my experiences. From Morp 2010 to this one, "your life is good."

If you looked at the song you would wonder about this title. In this playlist are some of the most tragic, unrealistically sad ballads of our time. Nothing has ever made me feel more alive then the compilation of these songs. These songs that make me feel in general.

My life has become an automaton of a lifestyle that is missing so much.

I'm desperately homesick. I'm desperately confused about my life and who I am, and I'm desperately uncomfortable in my own skin.

As I sit here, though, sobbing through five minutes and 39 seconds of New York by Blind Pilot I realize that I have been all of these things before. I'll make it, I always make it. In the meantime 187 songs will constantly save my life; my 11th time through  This Side of Paradise will get me through like it always does, and mindlessly watching Gilmore girls will cure my ales once again.









Also, here are my 11 songs that will save your life

1. Here Comes the Regular- The Replacements
2. New York-Blind Pilot
3. Stand By Me-Ben E. King
4. Far More-The Honorary Title
5. Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon
6. Missn' You-Tyler HIlton
7. Feel This-Bethany Joy Lenz
8. Your Gaurdian Angel- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
9. Tickets For Teasing-Le Wrens
10. For Blue Skies-Strays Don't Sleep
11. Dance So Good-Wakey Wakey

I'm Lost and I'm Starving

Lately I have become obsessed with getting a dog; like truly obsessed. Earlier yesterday I came across a 4 year old lab...who was born blind. As I read and read about Moose the lovable, odds defeating, loving dog, my heart ached. I wanted to give him that forever home, I wanted to be the one that gave him all the hope, all the love, all the opportunity in his life. This was how I was raised; to care for things, to take care of things.

A few years ago, I had a horse. His name was Jet and he was truly my guardian angel. I got him in 5th grade, a time when I had never in my life felt so alone. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, in my atmosphere, within my peers. Jet was a stubborn old race horse that wouldn't let me gallop on him for three years. It wasn't until I put a little girl who had been riding her whole life on him and warned her he wouldn't run for her and he started to run within seconds, that I realized he had been protecting me. He always protected me; a safe haven. As I stop

I don't know if it is that atmosphere is what drives me; but boy does it. I starve to provide hope for someone, for something. I know that I have a purpose; I have people who love me. What I thirst for is beyond that.

I can't put a finger on my specific passion. I think I'm trying to hard to figure it out. All I know is I'm in love with the power humans have for compassion. The capacity to save and to help and to overcome. I wan't so badly to be apart of that. For people to see me and feel inspired to do the things I have accomplished. I want a sense of pride when I see something I changed with my heart and soul.

All of this appears in so many different forms; from teaching to activism to volunteering. From animals to homelessness awareness.

I want to provide what Jet provided me. A home. I know now is not the right time to be that home for a dog. However, if something were to happen, I could be the best home. I believe this because I was raised by two of the most compassionate, caring people and I was taught by them to rise to the occasion and love with all my being.

I don't know what my future holds profession wise. Even if I did tell you, I can probably guess I will change my mind. All I know is I care, and shit do I care a lot. I will fight to the end for what I care about.

I'm that girl. 

“Any time you talk to anyone about something that they love, they’re, like, their most beautiful. It’s a cool gift to get to talk to people about what they love.”

—  Amy Poehler (x)

Feminism and Barbie Dolls (Look, parents, I'm learning stuff)

I took an internship at the Gender and Sexuality Equity Center last year. I hated it. I hated basically every last second of it (of interning). My friends looked at me and laughed saying, oh well that's because you aren't actually a feminist. I actually accepted that for awhile. Until, after the sting of the internship wore off and I found myself again and again attracted to activist videos and Upworthy blog posts and tragic images of women being completely victimized.

Disclaimer: I know I offended some people with my stance on the GSEC. I would like to note that they are a great student organization and as I go into it deeper below, they put on great events and are great people. I encourage everyone to attend an event at the least or even intern! It may be a fit for you! For me, in the office, it wasn't a place I fit well which is OK. Check out their facebook HERE

Today in my genders class we learned about all the different labeled kind of feminists: radicals, separatists, lesbian, lesbian radical, powers. I found myself over and over thinking, "oh yea, that's me for sure." It was then when I realized, just like anything, labels don't matter. I'm allowed to take thoughts, ideals, ideas, morals from anywhere to piece together my beliefs.

This brought me back to GSEC. On paper, I loved everything they stood for--equity over equality, safe havens, Take Back the Night. I loved every event they put on and all the services they offered. I also loved each person in there. Individually they were kind, unique, beautiful, intelligent. Unfortunately, for me personally, I didn't feel like they were attracting me to the cause. I don't think the way to get people to use "partner" over "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" is to make them pay when they slip up. I learn by stories, hearing a person say how much it means to them, being exposed to the adversities of others.

There is essentially no reason for anyone to not identify as a feminist anymore. Feminists don't hate all hate men, they aren't forever bitches. Feminists are people, people who are acting on outrage based on the inequalities of others.

Do you support body confidence? feminist
Women should be allowed to play any sports? feminist
Do you support your fellow women? feminist
Are you a woman? Feminist 

Feminists Myths Busted

You hate men

No, I love men. I love people. I love everything. 

You don't shave

My shaved legs on clean sheets? My simple pleasure

Your a lesbian

Hi, six months with my partner. Billy Vedrin. He is adorable and I love him. 

Your a bitch

I can be saucy, but let's be honest, everyone can. 

Feminists are "butch" or "manly"

Yeah, sure some feminists prefer clothes that aren't dresses, high waisted skirts, and boots and rock what they are comfortable in. Personally, I rock the shit out of heels and skirts. 

Feminists are only pissed off women.

Two-parts. Isn't being pissed off what can fuel action and activism? Also,  anyone who supports liberation, equity, and the eradication of opression can be a feminist. Shout out to all the men who are. Like these names: Thank you, Steve Carroll, Seth Meyers, etc (please watch this only 60 seconds)

Men and women are different. Every person is different, that's why equality is impossible. Equity, however, is achievable and worth fighting for. We must fight for every person's needs to be met, as groups of people, as individuals, as cultures, etc.

Now on to barbies

Recently, I learned about a woman who requested that no one bring Barbies to her daughter's birthday because, for obvious reasons, they were trying to teach her about body positivity and realistic standards. 

When it comes to Barbies I think that they are a toy that should be brought in later on; by the child's choice. One thing is for sure, we have to stop forcing kids into gender roles. Buy her some superheroes, leggos and barbies. Mix up the colors in their rooms. One day if your daughter/son comes up to you and asks for barbies with every pink accessory, hell yes, go for it. Sex and gender are different and your child's gender is up to them and about them, not you. 

When your child does ask you for these toys and you look at the doll with the unrealistic proportions you may worry about what it will teach your child about appearance standards. This is true to an extent. However, Barbies and dolls were incredibly important to my development. I was able to create worlds and imagination and I grew to love fashion. My self confidence issues didn't come from Barbie, she was a piece of plastic who constantly stood on her toes. It was the media. It was photoshopped magazine and TV characters who got remade up between every scene. 

Who is your child most likely to want to copy? The plastic doll he/she chopped all the hair off of or the thin, overly made-up 14 year old on Disney Channel? Giving your child these toys is fine, but comes with the responsibility of telling your child what is healthy and what isn't. Closing your kids in boxes has never, and will never work. 

Anyway, those were my thoughts today. I came across this video today and I LOVE it. 

What Guys Look For In Girls

Do you throw like a girl? Um yes.
Throw Like a Girl