I really fu**ing love Taylor Swift

Get over it.

Dave Grohl, an artist we can all agree is an ultimate rocker, said something a few years back that has really resonated with me lately.

“I don’t believe in guilty pleasures. If you fucking like something, like it. That’s what’s wrong with our generation: that residual punk rock guilt, like, “You’re not supposed to like that. That’s not fucking cool.” Don’t fucking think it’s not cool to like Britney Spears’ “Toxic.” It is cool to like Britney Spears’ “Toxic”! Why the fuck not? Fuck you! That’s who I am, goddamn it! That whole guilty pleasure thing is full of fucking shit.”

-Dave Grohl (The Foo Fighters)

We should never, ever feel guilty about  the things we like (unless of course they are harming or potentially could harm someone)

Liking the Pop top 40 does not make a person less of a music aficionado. 

This brings me back to Taylor Swift. As far as role models go, I'm pretty sure I picked a good one when I was 14. Never been arrested, advocates feminism, had really rad character growth, loves cats more than life; I dig that. 

Somehow she always sang about things that I constantly felt and her music has made me happy. Isn't that the point of great  music? To make you feel something? Don't hate something because it's popular or it's everywhere. More than that don't make someone feel bad because they like it. 

My roommate is a diehard One Direction fan. Over the last year I have watched people make so much fun of her iTunes library. "They aren't even a real band". 

Well, they are on route to be one of the most sold albums this year so someone must think they are good.  I love that she is 1D fan. They are fun and gorgeous and we have so much fun in the car belting out along with "The Best Song Ever" and all their other hits (so. freaking. catchy. Come on, give it a try). 

You don't have to like things. It's okay to hate "All About That Bass" (Except, come on,  it's catchy as hell), it's definitely okay to not be on the Bey Train and no one will hate you for not being a Swifty. 

Just please please please don't comment on other people's positivity towards those things to make them sink back into the pit of guilt. 

Who cares if I'm 19 and I still cry along with One Tree Hill repeats and sing my dear heart out to the Jonas Brothers. Both things rock.

Also, if you like Mumford & Sons and Tegan and Sara before everyone else, thanks for sharing them. They are fantastic artists:)

"New York" State of Mind

There's a song. A chilling, heartbreaking, beautiful song. With the strike of the first chord I can become completely lost in this song. Everything in my head just kind of dissipates and I'm left with tears in my eyes and the lyrics pouring through my mind.

I have only had this song for three years yet when it plays I feel as if I'm getting greeted by an old friend. The distant memories of aching pains, obstacles, dogeared book pages, tea getting too cold fill holes I didn't realize I had within me.

I haven't gotten lost in this song-or any song in a long time. Too long. I haven't gotten lost in much of anything in a long time.

Not a book whose words rip me into pieces

Not a movie that has left me speechless

Not a song which filled my bones and my veins and my heart with hope and tragedy.

I miss that. I starve to lay on my floor, completely overwhelmed with words and stories just pouring out of my body, just listening and pondering and hoping.

A few minutes ago I grabbed my old ipod, a tiny little thing whose keys barely work anymore. I scroll and scroll through the millions of playlists I have created for all my experiences. From Morp 2010 to this one, "your life is good."

If you looked at the song you would wonder about this title. In this playlist are some of the most tragic, unrealistically sad ballads of our time. Nothing has ever made me feel more alive then the compilation of these songs. These songs that make me feel in general.

My life has become an automaton of a lifestyle that is missing so much.

I'm desperately homesick. I'm desperately confused about my life and who I am, and I'm desperately uncomfortable in my own skin.

As I sit here, though, sobbing through five minutes and 39 seconds of New York by Blind Pilot I realize that I have been all of these things before. I'll make it, I always make it. In the meantime 187 songs will constantly save my life; my 11th time through  This Side of Paradise will get me through like it always does, and mindlessly watching Gilmore girls will cure my ales once again.









Also, here are my 11 songs that will save your life

1. Here Comes the Regular- The Replacements
2. New York-Blind Pilot
3. Stand By Me-Ben E. King
4. Far More-The Honorary Title
5. Best I Ever Had-Vertical Horizon
6. Missn' You-Tyler HIlton
7. Feel This-Bethany Joy Lenz
8. Your Gaurdian Angel- Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
9. Tickets For Teasing-Le Wrens
10. For Blue Skies-Strays Don't Sleep
11. Dance So Good-Wakey Wakey

I'm Lost and I'm Starving

Lately I have become obsessed with getting a dog; like truly obsessed. Earlier yesterday I came across a 4 year old lab...who was born blind. As I read and read about Moose the lovable, odds defeating, loving dog, my heart ached. I wanted to give him that forever home, I wanted to be the one that gave him all the hope, all the love, all the opportunity in his life. This was how I was raised; to care for things, to take care of things.

A few years ago, I had a horse. His name was Jet and he was truly my guardian angel. I got him in 5th grade, a time when I had never in my life felt so alone. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, in my atmosphere, within my peers. Jet was a stubborn old race horse that wouldn't let me gallop on him for three years. It wasn't until I put a little girl who had been riding her whole life on him and warned her he wouldn't run for her and he started to run within seconds, that I realized he had been protecting me. He always protected me; a safe haven. As I stop

I don't know if it is that atmosphere is what drives me; but boy does it. I starve to provide hope for someone, for something. I know that I have a purpose; I have people who love me. What I thirst for is beyond that.

I can't put a finger on my specific passion. I think I'm trying to hard to figure it out. All I know is I'm in love with the power humans have for compassion. The capacity to save and to help and to overcome. I wan't so badly to be apart of that. For people to see me and feel inspired to do the things I have accomplished. I want a sense of pride when I see something I changed with my heart and soul.

All of this appears in so many different forms; from teaching to activism to volunteering. From animals to homelessness awareness.

I want to provide what Jet provided me. A home. I know now is not the right time to be that home for a dog. However, if something were to happen, I could be the best home. I believe this because I was raised by two of the most compassionate, caring people and I was taught by them to rise to the occasion and love with all my being.

I don't know what my future holds profession wise. Even if I did tell you, I can probably guess I will change my mind. All I know is I care, and shit do I care a lot. I will fight to the end for what I care about.

I'm that girl. 

“Any time you talk to anyone about something that they love, they’re, like, their most beautiful. It’s a cool gift to get to talk to people about what they love.”

—  Amy Poehler (x)

Feminism and Barbie Dolls (Look, parents, I'm learning stuff)

I took an internship at the Gender and Sexuality Equity Center last year. I hated it. I hated basically every last second of it (of interning). My friends looked at me and laughed saying, oh well that's because you aren't actually a feminist. I actually accepted that for awhile. Until, after the sting of the internship wore off and I found myself again and again attracted to activist videos and Upworthy blog posts and tragic images of women being completely victimized.

Disclaimer: I know I offended some people with my stance on the GSEC. I would like to note that they are a great student organization and as I go into it deeper below, they put on great events and are great people. I encourage everyone to attend an event at the least or even intern! It may be a fit for you! For me, in the office, it wasn't a place I fit well which is OK. Check out their facebook HERE

Today in my genders class we learned about all the different labeled kind of feminists: radicals, separatists, lesbian, lesbian radical, powers. I found myself over and over thinking, "oh yea, that's me for sure." It was then when I realized, just like anything, labels don't matter. I'm allowed to take thoughts, ideals, ideas, morals from anywhere to piece together my beliefs.

This brought me back to GSEC. On paper, I loved everything they stood for--equity over equality, safe havens, Take Back the Night. I loved every event they put on and all the services they offered. I also loved each person in there. Individually they were kind, unique, beautiful, intelligent. Unfortunately, for me personally, I didn't feel like they were attracting me to the cause. I don't think the way to get people to use "partner" over "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" is to make them pay when they slip up. I learn by stories, hearing a person say how much it means to them, being exposed to the adversities of others.

There is essentially no reason for anyone to not identify as a feminist anymore. Feminists don't hate all hate men, they aren't forever bitches. Feminists are people, people who are acting on outrage based on the inequalities of others.

Do you support body confidence? feminist
Women should be allowed to play any sports? feminist
Do you support your fellow women? feminist
Are you a woman? Feminist 

Feminists Myths Busted

You hate men

No, I love men. I love people. I love everything. 

You don't shave

My shaved legs on clean sheets? My simple pleasure

Your a lesbian

Hi, six months with my partner. Billy Vedrin. He is adorable and I love him. 

Your a bitch

I can be saucy, but let's be honest, everyone can. 

Feminists are "butch" or "manly"

Yeah, sure some feminists prefer clothes that aren't dresses, high waisted skirts, and boots and rock what they are comfortable in. Personally, I rock the shit out of heels and skirts. 

Feminists are only pissed off women.

Two-parts. Isn't being pissed off what can fuel action and activism? Also,  anyone who supports liberation, equity, and the eradication of opression can be a feminist. Shout out to all the men who are. Like these names: Thank you, Steve Carroll, Seth Meyers, etc (please watch this only 60 seconds)

Men and women are different. Every person is different, that's why equality is impossible. Equity, however, is achievable and worth fighting for. We must fight for every person's needs to be met, as groups of people, as individuals, as cultures, etc.

Now on to barbies

Recently, I learned about a woman who requested that no one bring Barbies to her daughter's birthday because, for obvious reasons, they were trying to teach her about body positivity and realistic standards. 

When it comes to Barbies I think that they are a toy that should be brought in later on; by the child's choice. One thing is for sure, we have to stop forcing kids into gender roles. Buy her some superheroes, leggos and barbies. Mix up the colors in their rooms. One day if your daughter/son comes up to you and asks for barbies with every pink accessory, hell yes, go for it. Sex and gender are different and your child's gender is up to them and about them, not you. 

When your child does ask you for these toys and you look at the doll with the unrealistic proportions you may worry about what it will teach your child about appearance standards. This is true to an extent. However, Barbies and dolls were incredibly important to my development. I was able to create worlds and imagination and I grew to love fashion. My self confidence issues didn't come from Barbie, she was a piece of plastic who constantly stood on her toes. It was the media. It was photoshopped magazine and TV characters who got remade up between every scene. 

Who is your child most likely to want to copy? The plastic doll he/she chopped all the hair off of or the thin, overly made-up 14 year old on Disney Channel? Giving your child these toys is fine, but comes with the responsibility of telling your child what is healthy and what isn't. Closing your kids in boxes has never, and will never work. 

Anyway, those were my thoughts today. I came across this video today and I LOVE it. 

What Guys Look For In Girls

Do you throw like a girl? Um yes.
Throw Like a Girl

Seclusion and being 85

Since I got home from college I have definitely changed my lifestyle. For one, I have an unrealistic amount of time on my hands. Usually my June is filled with camp and trips and Hoopfest and this year I took a step back from most of that. Another thing is that I stay home quite a bit and have stayed pretty close to home.

Basically my life consists of waking up, working out, working for dad, and then sleep. I genuinely enjoy that. Coming back from such a high energy eight months and being around people who are all in basically the same position as me is really hard. The hardest part being that I made the most incredible connections and friendships that were the most meaningful of my life and I had to leave that.

I have never felt as comfortable and like I fit in as much as I do in Chico. Judgements are all fresh and nobody cares about what your last name is or what your gpa was in high school. I fell in love with  responsibility and freedom and though I struggled I found a home.

Idaho will always be home base; especially in the summer. There is nothing that I love more that the green and the water and my friends from different schools finally on the same page as me and the blueberries of course!

Things aren't as I expected, though. I came back and I truly realized that North Idaho is my temporary home. I don't feel like I can be fully me, like I can spread my wings and I feel like I'm in a totally different world than most the people. That's not California talking; that's 16 years of insecurities finally finding words.

I'm very excited for this summer and spending time with the people who will never waver from my heart. I am, however also so excited to return to college and continue my journey and enjoy being young. Nothing changes in North Idaho but it has a way of speeding up adulthood, and this is the time of my life where I completely am focused on me. My mental health, my appearance (hey, check out my new fitness blog), and who I want to be.

Here's to summertime and here's to not worrying about classes and grades and whether or not two hours of sleep over three days is going to get me  to the weekend.

Now because I'm 85 I'm going to eat dinner and probably go to bed by 9.

A School Makes a Community

I remember playing basketball at Priest River and there sometimes only being 30 people in the crowd, or school fundraisers that we actually lost money putting on. The other day I was told that only 27 people showed up to support Priest River Lamanna High School’s drama production of Cinderella and it was only a few weeks before that I learned that our levy didn’t pass. I am shocked at the lack of support for the schools in our community. A school district directly reflects the strength of a town and when a community isn’t doing everything they can to make the district the greatest it can be a town truly suffers.

            Students shouldn’t have to be standing on street corners or going door to door to persuade people to vote for their schools to get adequate funding. It should be a no brainer. Our schools and its administration and teachers and the programs we offer are what build really great kids into outstanding adults and these kids, when they are proud of their education, will come back and continue to support our town; but only if we support them.

            When we look at the ballot and see the word “millions”, it can be daunting.  However, those millions of dollars aren’t coming out of your pocket. In fact, no money is coming out of your pocket. There is no tax increase with the new levy proposed.

            The levy currently proposed is the bare minimum that the district can budget and keep the school scraping by. It’s not as if the district is making frivolous spending choices or unnecessary remodels. Funding things like a new heating and broiler system or a water line repair keeping our libraries and technology updated and relevant is extremely important to the safety and the adequate education of our children.

            I know that the co-curricular activity argument is used a lot, but that’s because co-curricular activities are just as important to the schooling system as all of the others budget items. It is nearly impossible to get into college with just good grades anymore. You have to be an involved student and when a town initiates pay to play or completely eliminates extra curricular, it is actually impairing students for success. If it is out their that their community doesn’t support them and more and more of their opportunities to achieve greatness are taken away, our kids get discouraged and are unlikely to show pride in our community themselves.

            If you are a skeptic please visit the district website and take five minutes to review the facts. We need to step up as a town and help our kids be happy, successful, and proud. Vote yes for the May 20^th levy.

Idaho Drug Free Youth by a Chico State Freshman

I remember when I was urged to join this program I his under a table in the lunchroom from the advisor. The club was looked down upon in my school because they were known to preach to and judge the kids who partied in high school.

3 years, 5 camps, and nearly 70 new best friends later I found myself in a leadership position for the organization, my entire life revolving around this actually very very cool club. See Idaho Drug Free Youth never preached; never judged. The group was a place for kids to find themselves and find ways to live happy, healthy, free lifestyles away from substance abuse.

I never drank in high school. It was never because I was against it. I just never had any interest or curiosity. Because of this, though, I was excluded from a social life in my school. iDFY gave me everything I wanted in this time of my life. I witnessed kids' lives be saved and it was amazing.

Since I started college I have been very lucky to find friends that are just as supportive and great as the ones that I found myself with in the past chapter in my life. I also have grown to be a little more openminded when it comes to things like alcohol or marijuana use. This is all very separate from the chapter of my life that was iDFY. Just because I see things with different eyes doesn't mean I abuse and I most definitely do not depend on substances to have a good time; in fact I rarely partake.

None of that matters. Or it shouldn't.

Yesterday, by someone who was supposed to be considered my iDFY family, verbally attacked me and said I was betraying and letting down the organization that saved me. 

iDFY isn't about telling students not to party. They aren't teaching students how to party safer either. They are teaching students to live healthy, to be themselves, to stand out from the crowd, to eliminate pressures from their lives and to never feel uncomfortable in a situation.

iDFY was an amazing chapter in my life. I recommend it to any student any child and any person to get involved in. It saved my life. I use the knowledge and things I learned through the program every single day and I hope to instill that inspiration and what I learned through them in my own activism efforts.

No one can tell me that I'm following a "path" or that I'm not standing out. I've worked hard to be able to use my voice and to stand up for what I believe in. I'm an individual and I was and always be apart of Idaho Drug Free Youth; Or as I like to call it-- Idaho Gives Youth Hope.

My family, the people that will love me no matter what, the people that will grow with me.

Out of Focus: A Better Perspective

Put your lips close to mine,
as long as they don't touch. 
Out  of focus, eye to eye, 
'til the gravity's too much.

When you stand to close to something, the figure becomes blurred, hard to configure. There's something about that, though. When a person's face, for example, is pressed against yours from forehead to nose you can't see much--perhaps the shade of their eyes, the lift of their cheekbones.

This moment is all based on intuition, emotion, and wanting to experience it with all of your senses.

I have never been good at being by myself at night. It's the time where my insecure thoughts flood my heart and all of the sad songs take over my mind. Lately, I haven't been and it has been the most rewarding thing.

It all seems kind of too good to be true. The sleepovers, the cuddling, the movies, waking up and someone being there.

 I just feel so incredibly fortunate right now. My perspective is so clear and I'm celebrating the things I enjoy and I get to share them with someone who is genuinely interested and I get to learn all these new things about this boy who is kind and cool and gorgeous.

Through all the stories and all the days, what sticks out is that moment. The moment right when the gravity is too much and you can't see much, but you can feel everything.

Fearing Hope

It's 1 am and I am smiling like a fool. I am so happy and excited and ready for the next few days and what they might bring.

I'm anxious though--and I feel guilty. Guilty for myself because I keep telling myself that it won't work and it will be like every. single. other. time.

Why is it so wrong to just be happy and hopeful that this time could be different? Why have I trained myself to expect the worse?

I just need a moment to make me believe that I deserve this feeling and that maybe it will last.

The High of Being Wanted Back

Good memories are like drugs.

They are addictive and they can flood you instantly.

The trip so delightful that you forget the bad,

the painful

the hurt

that you were forgotten.

Good memories are what make you reconsider,

draft the apology,

yearn for a reunion.

For so long you told yourself to get out, it was so justified.

Now here you sit...

that song is on,

you ate at that restaurant today.

Deep down, you want to go back,

so badly you are hungry to relive it all.

Those good memories and

the high of being wanted back.

My Mama Bear

My mom does this thing sometime every year where she will get me a stuffed animal of some sorts. Sometimes it's on my birthday, sometimes it's just on her way back from a teacher conference, but once a year I will come home to a stuffed puppy or a pretty Hedwig duplicate.

Today was a rough day. I was faced with a decision that was incredibly difficult for me and I was put in a position where I possibly had to let my friends down and give up something I really wanted for a prior commitment.

In a moment of complete hysterics, I called my mom sobbing. She listened as I choked out my dilemma and provided me with not just one solution, but several in which she was completely calm and willing to help.

Mom and daughters fight. It definitely is no different in my household.

However, my mom is the strongest, smartest, woman I know and there is no one else in this world I would trust with a crisis than her.

So as I cuddle the little brown puppy from the Seattle Airport and plan my saved SoCal trip I revel in how thankful I am for my Mama. <3

Valentine's Day Cynics

The internet is a place of memes and gifs and gafs and "awww"'s. Social media, in particular, is a place where people have no shame in publishing their opinions about, well, anything.

Valentine's day is tomorrow and I have seen everything from Claire the Disneyland Skeptic memes to videos of boys giving their girls candy and flowers and elephants and the world. I notice people say that they "don't care about Valentine's Day" it's dumb.

Let's be honest, we all care.

Maybe we aren't drowning our loneliness in The Notebook and a pint of Ben and Jerry's, but we are all thinking, even in a fleeting moment as that boy down the hall brings in his 17th rose for his girlfriend, that it would be kind of nice if we had something, even the smallest of things to look forward too on this much too pink and red day.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't make you pathetic. Valentine's Day is a thing, and at the end of the day it's a pretty damn cute thing, even in all of its schmultsiness.

So even if you just go and grab a Kit Kat for that boy or girl across the hall, or wave and smile at someone who deserves it, go for it because everyone wants to be wanted; Valentine's Day or not.

The talent of the internet people never fails to astound me.

Finding Fortitude

There is a time when you want to call upon fortitude, you want it to be at your disposal, you want to be able to grasp it, to seize it, to blanket it around you. I have always found my perseverance in writing and in pictures and music and art. Here, I hope you can find your fortitude too. 

Being Out of Touch

I am honestly exhausted of the computer and phone screens. I am so exhausted of my dependency on social media to fill a moment of awkwardness. I am exhausted of going through each of my apps then starting over again.  I just am trying so hard to get back into the social groove of school and everyone around me is so engrossed into this virtual world then I feel compelled to as well. I miss doing stuff.

The last few weeks have been hard. Moving on isn't easy and because I'm a generally happy person, I put on a pretty happy face in order to both keep everyone around me in high spirits and to try and keep my own mind off of the things that are bothering me. The problem with being the person that helps everyone else is that the people around you assume that you are doing alright. I need people more than they need me and that scares me.

I'm feeling these moments of complete happiness, bliss, silliness intermixed with moments of overwhelming sadness, insecurity, and a heavy weight on my chest. I don't really know what triggers what, but I'm searching and searching to figure it out.