2012: I bid you a peaceful farewell

In order my life to be the cliché that it truly is, I do believe a look back at the last year mere hours before midnight on my blog, is surely in order. 

2012 ended up being the most magical, wonderful, heartbreaking, eyeopening year yet. (Which is saying something. I lived through 2009.) 

First of all, I'm going to give myself monumental amounts of credit for surviving my junior year and the college application process. I am officially accepted to BSU, Lewis and Clark College (Portland), and Savannah College of Art and Design, which is exciting. (What else do you say about that?)

I became a very..."read between the lines" person this year. I really focused on myself and what I wanted to be (which, of course, won't stop). My Happiness Project was huge development and will continue until hopefully death. You will probably have to pry the sticky notes out of my dead fingers.

Lot's of fabulous things happened to me and I was given experiences that I still can't comprehend actually happened. I was lucky and I will always carry those memories and moments in my pocket. 

In the moment it's easy to lose yourself in doubt and fear and uncertainty. I took a look back today on all the things that got me down and I realized none of it was that bad. Sure, it sucked and that doesn't change but, strangely, just like they always say, "It gets better." and "The good stuff outweighs the bad stuff".

Nothing lasts forever. Hell, nothing lasts nearly as long as you want it to. All I can do is roll with it the best I can and keep everything in perspective. I'll lose that ideal every once in a while, but it all has a way of working out. 

So, 2013. 

Bring it. 

My Mini "Happiness Project"

Lately there has been quite a bit of negativity in my life. I have decided that despite the fact that negative things will always happen and it is okay to feel bad sometimes, I'm just going to do little guy things to improve on my overall well being, some of these include:

Ab workouts every night before bed- I did it this summer and always went to sleep feeling accomplished, I can't make excuses of time. It only takes 10 minutes.

Keep my phone across the room at bedtime- I don't need to sleep with my phone and I definitely don't need to check Facebook/Twitter 100 times before bed.

Utilize my time- I don't have very much of it these days, and free time doesn't need to be spent constantly sitting on my phone or chatting. (Kindle will be traveling everywhere with me)


And the big guy to tie it all together...
Warm and Fuzzies (for myself!)-Every night before bed, I want to write down all the good things, no matter how small, that happened in that day. From there, I put it on my mirror and can start the next day on a positive note.


Anyway, I know this issn't the best way to come back from a unexplained hiatus, but it's a start, right?

My newest friend, Lucy. This was a once in a lifetime shot of her looking regal and graceful. 

My Time On Cloud Nine

First of all, before people jump to conclusions, "Cloud Nine", long before it was a reference to being high, was an idiom for happiness. I quite enjoy it as that and I will make of the phrase as I will.

My last post was pretty whiny and complainy and venty. Though pathetic, I'm glad I was able to get most that stuff off of my chest. I really think it helped in me entering this past week with a clearer, happier mind.

The last seven days were, in short, great. Of course my problems and stressers didn't just vanish and I am completely wonderful and everything is good times and noodle salad (Jack Nicholson As Good As It Gets. Check it.) but, just little things in my mindset and my atmosphere really have altered the "depressive" feelings.

The top three things that have really helped me include but are not limited to:

1. Dressing up. When you feel low, you don't want to try. You pull on jeans and that worn out sweatshirt you got in 8th grade because it's comfortable and all a person wants in a dark period is comfort and safety. However, I always feel my best when I have put together a cute outfit and tried with the mess that is my hair. Confidence is typically the base of any kind of happiness. When you walk around and feel good in your skin and clothes, it spreads to your overall mood.

2. Do your shit, one step at a time. Call me crazy, but one of my favorite feelings is accomplishment. Whether it be the completion of the cleaning your closet project or getting the answer to an obnoxious math problem, it feels so good to get stuff done. However, no matter how good that feeling is at the end, it's pretty damn hard to find motivation to start. It's easy to write that list out of allllll the things you have to get done and toss it aside. The fix to this, in my time of practice, is to just think of one job at a time. clear out all the other stuff and just do one thing at a time, soon it will all be done and your mind will be clean!

3. Indulge in your guilty pleasures. Everybody has them. For me it is One Tree Hill and Keeping Up With the Kardashians and writing this here blog. Maybe for you it is listening to Backstreet Boys and Madonna or  reading/ writing One Direction Fanfiction.  Really, the details don't matter. Even if that plate of yours is overflowing, never be afraid to take some time off and do the little things that can make you happy. All that stuff you have to do, chances are, most of it can be put off a bit. Don't think of it as procrastinating, think of it as maintaining your healthy aura. 

Plus, to be honest, there's the fact I have been losing weight,  had a great report card, my parents and I are getting along, and...there's this boy. I always thought the phrase, "Things will happen unexpectedly" was sort of ridiculous. But, here I am smiling like the little crushed out school girl at suggestive texts and hallway smiles, something that ten days ago, was not happening.

So, do what you love and what you have to do. Peace.



P.S. If there are some sort of cat finding blog gods out there, maybe you can hook me up with my Sophie again. I miss her.

Let Me Be Straight With You

This is going to completely contradict my last couple posts.
I think that the fact that it will is okay. It is okay because I'm just a person and I created this blog to revel in my emotions and understand my own thoughts.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know if I am a walking disaster or what, but all the little things that are consistently piling up right now are really starting to shake this tower of misfortune.

It doesn't help that I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling bad. Right now around me, there are people that are struggling with things I could never imagine being struck with right now.

I know my problems aren't minuscule or insignificant. There is a lot going on. The natural stress that comes from applying to college and the daunting truth that in only 8 months this safety net that is childhood will be gone is apparent in my thoughts.

My cat is gone. If you would have told me a year ago today how distraught I would be over a lost cat, I would have called you completely bonkers. Yet, here I am, puffy eyed and so bummed that she isn't in her chair purring so loud it vibrates.

I'm nervous about my diagnoses. What is going on in my stomach isn't normal or a quick fix. I can tell that by now. All these doctor's appointments and strange procedures are so foreign to me. I just want to know. I just want to be able to fix it and move on and not worry about it.

I'm still reeling over the recent incident with the team. I know that it was a "joke" and it's fine. But how can I get that nagging voice out of my head "it will be funny because she is ugly."? I'm still seventeen. I'm just a kid who, along with everyone else, is trying to figure it all out and find comfortability.

Basketball is killing me. I don't know if I'm sick or if every second of working out didn't pay off. Nonetheless I am having the hardest time keeping up and proving that I can do this. I can't dread it this early. I don't want to. It is so hard to get motivated when no matter how hard or how long you work, it doesn't shine through. Improvements don't exist.

So there is my venting sesh. I just needed to get it all out. I think that using my creative outlet can help me find 'the path to recovery'.

Also, voting on Tuesday! PrObama:)

Fearing the Unexpected

I do fear the unexpected. It's scary. Curveballs thrown no matter their speed are bound to catch you off gaurd. Even the good things are going to give you the feelings of surprise, nerves, and fear.

The last two weeks have been  weird,  hard even. I really have started to realize that this weirdness, is actually life. When your young, things happen and it blows by fairly quickly because it typically is unimportant in the big scheme of things. When you ar older and your "big kid" eyes start to really become clear, bigger problems present themselves.

I have always been told in times of drama with friends, teams, schoolwork that out of the school hallways, all that stuff doesn't matter. Whether or not we have a team dinner after tryouts or losing Homecoming or wearing the same dress to Formal, it. doesn't. matter. When life, real life, throws you something bigger, that thing you overreacted about before becomes so miniscule, so insignificant.

Those small events are important. They are the "speed bumps" to getting you ready to handle those giant Redwood Tree trunks in the middle of the road. Despite what people say, you can't take away how adversity makes a person feel, how trouble makes a person feel, how rock bottom feels.

The great thing about humans is that we are warriors and we are powerful, no matter our position in life and society. We have these incredible brains and imaginations and are able to dream and achieve those dreams. We also have this incredible ability to love and support and believe in and forgive those around us.

Some people look to faith to solve their problems, some look to celebrities, some don't try. I believe that the only thing you need is your own strength and the support of those whose loyalty beams. Even the biggest problems aren't that big. I promise. There will always be something bigger (That seems intimidating) and you can look to the strength and the integrity that you have used in all situations before.

Two years ago, after my aunt got diagnosed with cancer and found out it had spread, her spirits never seemed to waver. I asked her about this and she said, "I just play The Glad Game". I had no idea what she meant and that night she, her daughter, and I all curled up in bed and watched Pollyanna, an old movie from the sixties. At the end, we all simultaneously were sobbing. The Glad Game was a game that the lead character, a child, played and ultimately inspired all of the people in her town. It was a simple game where the objective was to find all the things to be glad about in a situation that maybe wasn't so great.

It's hard to look for the good or the glad. My aunt was glad that she had everyone together at Christmas, that the cookies we made didn't burn, that her dog had stopped going to the bathroom on the carpet, and that even though her hair was gone, she could sleep in longer in the mornings.

Vince Lombardi once said, "I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."

So, in the darkest hour:
Keep going,
Go hard,
Know that you may be wrong, but you are never wrong,
And play The Glad Game.

Letting Things Go

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy, and that's okay."

I always thought picking out my senior quote was going to be this impossible, elaborate process that I was sure to procrastinate. I have always been a lover of words and quotes and lyrics and one day I was just around and I heard this quote. I have always been a person who, "sweats the small stuff." I think it is important for things not to get to you and I'm so terribly awful at letting things go that I want to look at this quote as a constant aspiration. 

I like to hold on to things. All things. I like to gold on to the bad and the confusing stuff because I will constantly try and dissect and figure it out. It  gives me peace. At the same time, it really clouds my brain to do anything productive or appreciate the really great things. 

This week sucked, but it ended so fabulously that instead of talking about the terrible stuff that happened, I'm going to highlight the things that made everything so grand. 

My friend Brady and I went to Moscow to see our football team play the state play in game and the turn out for the audience was much more than I expected. I had a great time driving down with Brad and chatting and listing to T Swift and talking about the decline of quality fortunes in fortune cookies. At the game, though I don't exactly love football, it was really nice being inside and seeing all these people I haven't in a long time. 

It was so reassuring hugging and reuniting will all these people that have had such an impact on my life. It was a hard week and being able to spend time with people who cared was huge. Being with a boy that just brightened my life and my friends whose dreams are coming true, it was so great.

Now, it only being 3, I am going to watch Supernatural and be supremely confused because of the plot that makes zero sense. What math homework?

This was a little over a year ago, but it just makes me feel so incredibly happy. Plus, I love my haircut. 

Tell Me How To Feel

I have never been so happy as I do right now.
I have never been so confident as I am right now.
I have never been so ready to take on like as I am right now.

As any other teenager in this entire world, I have fought sadness, loneliness, the fear of failure, and insecurity to an indescribable level  in the last five years. I have struggled with my weight, with my personality, with my parents, with my heart.

I'm not sure if nostalgia is speaking right now or the fact that I simply just want to try and make sense of what I feel at this exact moment. In my utterly short-lived life thus far, I have come to sense a Sunday pattern. The feeling everyone gets when something favorable is about to end, bittersweet.

Every Sunday, before I am about to be beckoned back through the halls of school, I get this feeling in my chest; a feeling that is very similar to when I watch a great movie or am immersed into an incredible novel, or when I watch eight straight hours of One Tree Hill. It's a feeling of yearning, want, hope, mixed with the "what ifs" of my future and past. Which, I understand, is a hefty amount of feelings for a person to feel so often. But like, whatever.

I don't think I would trade it. It shows how much I feel as a person. I like that. People (well, my dad) always tell me I think way too much. I over-think, over-analyze every aspect of every thing. I get ahead of myself and picture exactly how I want a situation, a relationship, an outcome to be.

Right now, with all of these feelings sort of crushing my chest, I wonder what else I can do to eliminate the trace of sadness about it. The nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me that something is missing or that I'm not doing something right.

All the time people tell me about my insecurities, "You look great.", "You don't need a boyfriend.", "Don't worry about that grade." These are the things that are me. Stirring from major pain of childhood I will always be in a battle with my weight, forever am I scarred from countless rejections and the lack of experience I hold in the social aspect of my life, and I will worry about my grades because of the many times I was yelled at and told I would end up destitute and a slob if I didn't get all A's.

Anyway, I don't think that post flowed together at all and I am sincerely sorry that this was unorganized and long. If any of you read to this point, thank you. To the moon and back.

This is my dog, Riley. He is a solid chap. 

Peace.

Darren Criss and Four Day Weekends (and The Boy Thing pt.2)

It has been so long since my thumbs have hit the keys for blogger.com! Strangely, the days are just on fast-forward this year. I am not unconvinced that scientists are practicing time-traveling techniques on the universe. Anyway, here I am now, choosing to share my life with those of you willing to listen.

First off, I think it as an imperative to share that I have now become a super fan of Darren Criss (Glee, A Very Potter Musical) I have been watching Glee since the beginning and really lost interest last year, but with a wave of feelings, I have dived head straight into the pool of fangirling. A real true sign of this is the fact that I tracked the tags "Glee" and "Klaine" on Tumblr. The only thing I have ever tracked before this is "One Tree Hill". Shit just got real. I'm very relieved I don't have school on Friday considering I will be an emotional wreck throughout the episode Thursday. Sorry. I'm obsessed. Rant over.

It is officially autumn! I absolutely adore fall, second to summer. The colors, the smells, the clothes! I could go on forever about all the simply poetic aspects of the chilly season. The only thing about it that I really could do without is the fact that shortly after it begins, it ends and down comes the evil, cold snow. Sweaters are covered by parkas, roads are a death trap, and the beautiful leather boots you bought prove to be entirely insensible for 3 feet of snow.

Telling a boy you like him:
Good thing I don't know. I tried Googling it. My result stated, "find out if he likes you first" Well if I knew that, this wouldn't be a conflict. I just really have no idea what to do from this point. The two other guys I have dated were very confident and definitely took the lead in the situation. In this particular case, the boy in mention is a bit more quiet, and quite frankly, probably not the most experienced. Awesome.

Anyway, tomorrow has become my Friday thanks to Bonner County thinking Columbus discovering America is still school-skipping worthy. Definitely not complaining. I am for sure looking forward to a weekend of 90's sitcoms and blogging. See you then:)

                                               Let's take a moment and appreciate this. 

The Artist In Me

I adore art. I live through beautiful music, literature, films, photography, paintings and anything else that someone has dedicated their life to make sense of not only their own world, but mine as well.

In my own life my creative outlet is limited to writing. I write anything and everything and have found solace in that for as long as I can remember. Just as long, however, I have coveted the artists who can recreate memories, pictures, events all with the stroke of their hand or the simplest collection of shades.

Today, by putting myself in a situation that I had originally backed away from, I got to experience a pride in myself that I haven't had the opportunity to in the longest time.

Homecoming week is rapidly approaching our school and the senior class chose the theme "Nightmare Before Homecoming". A theme that could have many different aspects and a wide variety of decorations. With a limited number of artists in our class, our president sought out help from two of our best. Cody sketched, planned, and worked his butt off for many days until yesterday when he was informed of a change for our hallway decorations. He had to completely start over and had no help to do so.

Enter: Me. This year I had zero intention of contributing to Homecoming anything more than my presence and maybe a donation in the way of money. This was until Cody came to me and asked for help, explaining his situation.

It turns out, the class was under the impression he had completed decorations. False.

So today, Cody and I got together to try and create something from the nothing that we had. At first, surrounded by pallets and pallets of cardboard, it all seemed much too daunting. Three hours, four blisters, and one very messy porch later, we completed our hallway entrance (minus the paint).

Never in my life had I had the chance to create something like that a something that would become a thing of such...coolness. I had so much fun creating and chatting and working and with Cody today.

It was such a classic situation of finding good in a crappy situation. Though we still have mountains upon mountains of things to do, this one accomplishment gave me such inspiration and excitement to work my ass off and help make this year...amazing. 


So, though it doesn't look like much, here is one of the three pieces we did today. This will ultimately be a mouth.

:):)

Also, a picture of the best couple in cinematic history. 

Live With Caution

This last year, "YOLO" was the phrase to live by, to joke by, to refer to in a time of mistakes. As the new "carpe diem" people essentially were told to live life to it's fullest and never be afraid to take risks.

As a person who is generally known to my peers as "lame" I don't exactly put myself in risky situations. This comes from being terrified of disappointment, rejection, and...well, injuries. However, I'm all for standing up for what you believe in and doing things before you can't do them anymore.

Though I admire the people who are genuinely careless and can get through life by the seat of their pants, I always go by the guidelines of caution and care. I don't think people understand how every single choice and decision that you make in your life has the potential to change everything. From a relationship to how people see you.

This summer I learned an important lesson in timing and scenery. Never to get yourself out of something should you lie or blame to salvage someone's feelings. When wanting to do something or say something, consider the timing, the mood of your person, the location, and most importantly, the possible outcomes.

Actions mean everything in this world. How you handle adversity and tough situations defines you and who you will be. Though putting yourself first seems ideal and is important in some cases, you always must think about what your choices will affect in your life and your future. Even the smallest things that could evolve into other small things, is the risk worth it?

Also, here is my mantra for the week following an emotional debate in government last Friday.

Rings and Things

I think an adequate way to start this off is to say,  I really, really like owls. Over the past 6 months I have collected quite a variation of owl related items. Things like mugs, blankets, necklaces, pictures, and little figurines.

So with that, I will go on with my story. 

A few weeks ago, a friend and I got into a pretty big fight. We didn't know each other all that well anyway and when certain aspects of our lives came up, we disagreed. About 10 days later he sent me a heft apology text in which I didn't respond. Not that I was ignoring it, I just wasn't sure what to say at the time so I let it be. 

This morning when I checked my phone, I had a message from him that he sent around 2. In it, he explained that he had been at a craft fair hosted by his college and saw an owl ring and thought of me. This same owl ring that he bought for me and needed my address to send to. From Provo, Utah. 

The level of guilt that I felt in that moment was so monumental I proceeded to sleep again for two more hours. Then I woke up and realized how lucky I am to have a friend that would stick by me even before I was ready to forgive him. 

Anyway, that was my morning. Here is a picture of my cat lying on my computer:

The Love Thing.

First of all, I really forgot how magnificent Gilmore Girls is. Hilarity at its finest.

Today I witnessed really one of the greatest moments of my high school career. One of my best friends has this boyfriend who is completely adorable and they reek of cuteness. It's the kind of relationship you can't help but stare at and obsess over. Total ship worthy relationship.

Anyway they have been dating all summer and tonight in the best, most movie cliche moments ever he told her he loved her, chocolate included. She got in my car, her face red with the biggest smile on her face. She was so happy. So...in love.

More than anyone I know she deserves this. Her kindness, her heart, her dedication, her loyalty it's all worth being cherished. After her year with boys, I am so glad she found this person who will look and treat her with nothing but utter adoration.

All the time I feel like I'm complaining to the people around me about my lacking "love life". I know they roll their eyes and tune out. I don't mean to be a broken record. It's just hard. I'm not searching for an ultimate soul mate who will sweep me away forever. I just want to be liked back.

Ugh. That sounds so...emo pop. All these boys that I think are great and I link with so well show no interest at all. What am I doing wrong? What is the impression of me that they see? I get that boys aren't a huge deal and I "don't need" a boy. But, really, it'd be nice. Just this once, can I have a turn?

The Top Ten That Are Saving My Life

Top ten what?

Songs.

Constantly songs are affecting me in various ways for the good. Whether they are inspiring me, helping me, or I simply just like the song, I always have an interchanging list of songs that are impacting me.

I have a top ten that is pretty consistent that are my absolute favorites. "The Life Savers". Those can be shared at a different time.

For now, here are the ten that are pretty much on repeat. No particular order.

1. The Prince of Nothing Charming-Tyler Hilton
2. It's Time-Imagine Dragons
3. Kids in the Street-All-American Rejects
4. Some Nights-FUN.
5. Two Towns From Me-Blind Pilot
6. Can't Let Go-Heidi Newfield
7. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-Taylor Swift
8. The Kings of Wishful Thinking-Go West
9. Something Stupid-Frank Sinatra
10. Summer '79-The Ataris

Doing What You Can

I guess a solid way to start a blog is to address my title and url.

First of all, my name is Whitney and I am currently at the most ridiculous age in the books of seventeen.

Secondly, I can't always promise consistency or plot twists or hilarity. I am using this as my escape. (Which sounds utterly cliche and totally washed out, but whatever.)

This year, going into my senior year, my mantra is "What you do matters."Which I completely must credit to Mark Schwann and One Tree Hill. My main goal in my life is to make a difference. Whether in one person or an entire city. I want to leave an impact and do something that can positively affect a person. Those four words epitomize that so well and so clearly. Maybe it is from a television show that hardly represents reality, but I think that if anything, that statement is one that stands strong and true. In "Doing what you can" you are doing. Trying. Making it. This is all you can do.

The "stuttering, stumbling, making it" spurs from typically the same idea. Every song you hear, every movie you watch, every book you read, and every moment you live, the lesson learned is that life isn't easy. Adversity, with its cruel, sharp claws, appears often in front of you and forces you to make mistakes, to learn, but to struggle all the same. In all of these instances, it is hard. Sometimes even the easy stuff can be hard. No matter what, you have to keep going, keep fighting, keep making it.

Until next time, here is me forcing my dog to take pictures with me.