Tell Me How To Feel

I have never been so happy as I do right now.
I have never been so confident as I am right now.
I have never been so ready to take on like as I am right now.

As any other teenager in this entire world, I have fought sadness, loneliness, the fear of failure, and insecurity to an indescribable level  in the last five years. I have struggled with my weight, with my personality, with my parents, with my heart.

I'm not sure if nostalgia is speaking right now or the fact that I simply just want to try and make sense of what I feel at this exact moment. In my utterly short-lived life thus far, I have come to sense a Sunday pattern. The feeling everyone gets when something favorable is about to end, bittersweet.

Every Sunday, before I am about to be beckoned back through the halls of school, I get this feeling in my chest; a feeling that is very similar to when I watch a great movie or am immersed into an incredible novel, or when I watch eight straight hours of One Tree Hill. It's a feeling of yearning, want, hope, mixed with the "what ifs" of my future and past. Which, I understand, is a hefty amount of feelings for a person to feel so often. But like, whatever.

I don't think I would trade it. It shows how much I feel as a person. I like that. People (well, my dad) always tell me I think way too much. I over-think, over-analyze every aspect of every thing. I get ahead of myself and picture exactly how I want a situation, a relationship, an outcome to be.

Right now, with all of these feelings sort of crushing my chest, I wonder what else I can do to eliminate the trace of sadness about it. The nagging feeling in the back of my head telling me that something is missing or that I'm not doing something right.

All the time people tell me about my insecurities, "You look great.", "You don't need a boyfriend.", "Don't worry about that grade." These are the things that are me. Stirring from major pain of childhood I will always be in a battle with my weight, forever am I scarred from countless rejections and the lack of experience I hold in the social aspect of my life, and I will worry about my grades because of the many times I was yelled at and told I would end up destitute and a slob if I didn't get all A's.

Anyway, I don't think that post flowed together at all and I am sincerely sorry that this was unorganized and long. If any of you read to this point, thank you. To the moon and back.

This is my dog, Riley. He is a solid chap. 

Peace.