Let Me Be Straight With You

This is going to completely contradict my last couple posts.
I think that the fact that it will is okay. It is okay because I'm just a person and I created this blog to revel in my emotions and understand my own thoughts.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know if I am a walking disaster or what, but all the little things that are consistently piling up right now are really starting to shake this tower of misfortune.

It doesn't help that I feel so incredibly guilty for feeling bad. Right now around me, there are people that are struggling with things I could never imagine being struck with right now.

I know my problems aren't minuscule or insignificant. There is a lot going on. The natural stress that comes from applying to college and the daunting truth that in only 8 months this safety net that is childhood will be gone is apparent in my thoughts.

My cat is gone. If you would have told me a year ago today how distraught I would be over a lost cat, I would have called you completely bonkers. Yet, here I am, puffy eyed and so bummed that she isn't in her chair purring so loud it vibrates.

I'm nervous about my diagnoses. What is going on in my stomach isn't normal or a quick fix. I can tell that by now. All these doctor's appointments and strange procedures are so foreign to me. I just want to know. I just want to be able to fix it and move on and not worry about it.

I'm still reeling over the recent incident with the team. I know that it was a "joke" and it's fine. But how can I get that nagging voice out of my head "it will be funny because she is ugly."? I'm still seventeen. I'm just a kid who, along with everyone else, is trying to figure it all out and find comfortability.

Basketball is killing me. I don't know if I'm sick or if every second of working out didn't pay off. Nonetheless I am having the hardest time keeping up and proving that I can do this. I can't dread it this early. I don't want to. It is so hard to get motivated when no matter how hard or how long you work, it doesn't shine through. Improvements don't exist.

So there is my venting sesh. I just needed to get it all out. I think that using my creative outlet can help me find 'the path to recovery'.

Also, voting on Tuesday! PrObama:)